Schumer pleads for Irish, Italian, and Polish Travel Ban

NEW YORK — In what some are calling an absurd move, Schumer calls for Irish, Italian, and Polish to be placed on a Travel Ban that he says is “much overdue”.  The Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer teared up today with a beautiful Amy Schumer at his side, begging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Polish to the National U.S. Travel Ban.

He had this to say in an opening statement:

For hundreds of years in America the Irish have been nothing but loud and obnoxious drunkards with the copious amounts of liquor they consume. It leads to more bar room brawls than any other race in American existence. When exactly, is President Trump going to act? Then you have the undocumented Irishmen who no one knows is Irish, they are absolutely contributing to the Domestic Terror problem we have in pockets of predominately white neighborhoods.

Amy Schumer also added that her Husband Chris Fischer, an Irishman, is actually contributing in lowering the average penis size of Americans and for this reason alone she can stand behind “limiting the number of Irishmen coming into our nation”.  While Chuck refused to comment on her nieces penis talking point, he does feel that the Irish are behind a good majority of the police corruption:

Look at my cities police force. Every precinct that has a “McDonald” or an “O’Shea” in charge, it always leads us on a paper trail directly to bribery or extortion of some form. The Irish simply can not be trusted. Red and Orange hair? There are too many of them in America. Its time to weed them out properly and enrich our nation.

Chuck did not waste much time, then moving on to the Italian Americans.

And then the sneaky Italians. Bada bing bada bang! Oh my god. I had business dealings with 3 Italian Americans and all 3 of them ripped me off. I think it’s the whole “mafia” mentality. Not that they were in the mafia but they kind of admire that stuff and think of themselves as gangsters in a way. In my business partnerships and they can’t seem to be trusted they seem to backstab, cannot take blame, just in general sneaky. I am not trying to be racist but it seems like a cultural thing. 

President Trump will surely agree, but is he going to act? They need to be vetted properly and bathed in something other than cologne before we let them into our great nation.

While some of the crowd snickered, others dressed in leotards, wigs and or thick rimmed glasses often holding powerful movement signs that read slogans such as “smash the fash” applauded. Lastly the Senate Minority Leader finally turned the talking point to Polish.

“Just look at a Pollock. They just look guilty,” Schumer said. “The square heads. The love for perogies. What’s up with that? 90% of the Polish describe themselves as Catholic, and the former Pope, who was Polish, even had to go. We need diversity and they just are not it right now. Too light skinned. Polish people just guzzle vodka all day long and stumble around haphazardly all the time, right? We do not need that here. And the laws over there. They are all RACIST”.

In closing, Schumer once again suggested that President Trump is to include the Irish, Italians, and Polish to the U.S. travel ban list if they are to ever start working on political harmony. And with a sobbing Amy Schumer by his side many have to wonder, when will Trump bend? Behind them a banner waved reading “cultural enrichment is at hand” and here at the Tribube we wonder if Chuck just might actually be the guy to get it done.