Lampoon Tribune The most trusted news on the net. Facts first.
Have you heard of a gentleman named Richard Bachman? Have you seen him? The FBI has recently upgraded him from a person of interest, to wanted for questioning.
He was last seen on 11/22/2019 at a democratic nominee convention sporting a “Bernie or bust” shirt while promoting his book Rage. FBI spokesperson Radhard Talib Bachman (no relation) tells CNN:
Richard is now more than a person of interest. His writings have been linked to the far-right uprising over the past 30 years as well as real life copy cat want-to-be shooters.
This story has now been labeled hate speech by several Federal organizations and also a class 4 hallucinogen for its mind-altering ability to transform weak-minded readers into something they are not.
The now out-of-print and defunct book rage is held in the same regard as the Anarchist Cookbook and Mein Kampf, so why the hell is he promoting it?
Whether or not it is known to Mr. Bachman, his book rage has influenced and continues to influence several high profile white Neo-Nazi / fascist / white National / Caucasian / white men to spread their hatred over America.
It is most important that the FBI speak with Mr. Bachman to clarify his involvement.
Richard may be oblivious to these villains, but at his last book signing he was seen sharing Dr. Peppers while congregating with some of the highest ranking Alt right members known to the feds.
We need to rule out some things. His absence has been a mystery to us. Where did Richard go? Richard, if you get this message please come forward and clarify some things.
Richard Bachman started writing RAGE (originally titled GETTING IT ON) as a troubled young 18 year old boy with a dark soul who wanted to “get it on”. But not too innocent to understand the power of words. No, RAGE was conceived by an unsettled yet calculated mind of Bachman for a reason.
For him, it was more than just a healthy and creative way of working out his inner demons. The goal may have been to create deadly inspiration for disturbed teens all over the world.
To turn the world into his own personal terror dome. The book’s main character, Charlie Decker, is a student who holds his algebra class up at gun point… is the star.
It’s a clever move by Bachman because Charlie is a clever character that he WANTS YOU TO LIKE. To emulate.
He didn’t want Charlie to be the villain of the book, but maybe more like the hero. He’s an antagonist you can’t help but root for.
He’s extremely intelligent, and has no intention of harming any of his fellow students at all. He’s more interested in taking down the faculty, but not before he has thoroughly mind fu**ed them all one by one. Is Bachman deliberately creating potential shooters?
Multiple real-life school shootings in the ’80s and ’90s mirrored aspects of the novel, garnering it media attention for possibly inspiring the rampages. And still to this day you can buy this book! Bachman needs to answer the federal officers questions.
The alt right website Stormfront lists rage as a “must-own” and gave it 10 Stars.
Native American politician Elizabeth Warren condemned the title stating her people on her reservations (as well as three key cities) are gathering as many copies from the wild as possible to throw book burning events to rid the nation of these evil viewpoints.
A Twitter video shows a cool Warren. “Shame on Bachman” Warren shouts on the Hiawatha reservation in Indiana, as she throws the first Rage title of many more into the ceremonial fire. More on this amazing story as it unfolds.
On an unrelated note, writer Stephen King writes his magnum opus titled:
from Derry to Sidewinder and Back Again – all my demons are conservative.
King has been a modern-day hit machine. The king of Terror (pun intended) has been chilling our hearts to their cores ever since Salem’s Lot, and almost 60 years later we are treated with his life’s work coming to an end with a nonfiction piece.
“Let’s call it my monster compendium for the real world” says King. The 1300 page gargantuan is set for a spring 2020 release. The book breaks down every villain created in the king Universe with backstory, and then a detailed explanation of why every villain was created, who king says “is almost always modeled or inspired after a Republican or a conservative in the real world”.
“For example, Pennywise was inspired by a young Ronald Reagan who gave me the most terrible nightmares as a young boy. The likeness is obviously uncanny”: King concludes.
——
On a real note if we may, Mr. King has wrote some of the scariest tales of our generation and generations past. And one of the scariest of them all, Pet Cemetery, was a work of art with no trace of Kings slanted politics in it.
It is the one title I suggest every loving parent read for a good scare. Steve, bring us back to at least world free of your political infusions just once before you die.
– A fan
