Lampoon Tribune The most trusted news on the net. Facts first.
Long Beach, California
In a sad turn of events a completely female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard said goodbye to her Olympic dreams yesterday after suffering a very dangerous accident which will put her out of commission for the upcoming Olympic Games.
In a bizarre arm wrestling match with her bros, she ruptured her left testicle while straining. She did win however, and the purse was big, a 1987 Camaro and six kegs of beer which she donated to the educational program “Drag Queen Storytime”.
Though not typically fatal, testicular rupture can cause hypogonadism, low self-esteem, and infertility. However, if left untreated the damaged tissue may become necrotic, which could lead to death.
That’s why Laurel is playing it safe. However her biggest fear isn’t being excluded from the Olympics, it’s one day being infertile.
“She hopes to sire a boy one day and I wish to be a mum, so we need to protect the family jewels” tells Laurels male to female life partner, Mrs. Stone Diamond. How they plan to conceive is anybody’s guess.
Maybe next time Laurel!
